Mind the Gap: Emotions at Work

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Since we’re all humans working with other humans (for now) we are going to have emotions. In a recent Mindful Communication workshop I co-led with Tanya Valle for a group of women attorneys, something came up that always simmers to the top of discussions in women-only sessions:

The double-edged sword that women face in the workplace. We are perceived as either too emotional or too cold. There is no middle.

Yet for men there seems to be a larger emotional spectrum in which they are allowed to operate. They’re forgiven or even lauded if they show anger and praised if they show compassion. At times in my career I’ve received feedback that I’m not warm enough, I’m too direct, and that I show too much emotion during meetings. Which is it, people? I can’t keep up.

I struggled with how to balance my emotions while still being my authentic self. Over the years I’ve learned not to avoid emotions entirely at work, but how to use them purposefully to communicate.

But before you put emotions in your communication tool belt you need to know yourself inside and out. What are your emotional triggers? When someone is angry/sad/happy/afraid around you, how to do feel, respond, react? Do you mirror that emotion back? Do you respond the opposite way to comfort? Do you retreat or shutdown?

Keep in mind there is no wrong answer to these questions. They only help you build a heightened level of self-awareness, which will make you a better communicator at work and beyond.

Integrating mindfulness practices into your day-to-day is the first step to understanding yourself, and how you’re affected by others’ behaviors. Meditation is one way, as is journaling, walking around the block, dancing around your house, or performing improv. Find what works for you and try to take at least 5 minutes everyday to get to know yourself.

Mindfulness has helped me navigate challenging situations more confidently, especially at work. Now if someone goes off the rails around me, I’m able to pause, and recognize that my first reaction is to yell back. Then I reflect on how that wouldn’t help this situation, so I take a breath, and respond with, “You seem angry. Tell me more about that.” Then I go into listening mode to try and understand their perspective. On the other hand, if this person’s anger is making me uncomfortable I’ll stop them and say, “This isn’t productive. Let’s schedule another time to have this discussion.”

Remember you always have options, and you have to do what feels most authentic for you in the moment.

Here’s a great article about how to be a more mindful communicator which is when “we are aware of the choices we are making and of our thinking and reasoning.”