No, Parents Don’t Want to Do it All
Photo by Yannick Pulver on Unsplash
While you probably know I’m a mom to a 3-yr-old, you may not know I’m also a writer. Humor, satire, personal essays, creative non-fiction: whatever you call it, it’s how I process things in the world that make me angry or joyful.
I find support and camaraderie in a few online communities, including one for writers who are also mothers. Recently, member Olivia Campbell posted an article she wrote called The Heartbreaking Ingenuity of the Mother-Writer, and wow, did it make me feel all the feelings!
You should read it but here’s the takeaway: mothers don’t have the space to devote to their art because they’re trapped in gender-normative labor constraints at home and in society. As a result, moms write during nap times (I can relate), pantries (mine’s too small), cars (?), even in bathtubs (wtf). Campbell ends with:
We shouldn’t be impressed by the lengths moms go to to write, we should be aghast that this is the way things are.
I’m aghast though not surprised since I’m a business-owner, writer, mom who’s pulled in many directions. What I’m extra angry at is how American culture continues to value work over art, paid work over unpaid work, and any work over domestic labor. We then laud women for ‘doing it all’ even thought it’s burning us to the ground.
Guess what? We don’t want to do it all. No one can. Yet we keep expecting this of women. (Keep in mind: I’m privileged to be able to write this blog post while working from home while my child is at a preschool that I’ve paid for.)
A few months back I encouraged leaders to do a boundaries exercise to understand employee needs and help them feel cared for. Now I’m calling for leaders to check in with their employees who are parents. COVID-19 has upended all of our lives especially parents of young kids who don’t yet have access to the vaccine. We still live in a state of constant anxiety.
Leaders, ask the parents on your team:
What’s a weekday like for you? Where are your biggest pain points?
What do you like to do for fun outside of work / what are your hobbies?
Do you have the time and space to nurture that part of yourself?
How can I help you take care of yourself?*
Us mother-writers often warn: if we can’t write, if we can’t attend to our creative desires, we will be terrible mothers, partners, and friends. The same goes for being terrible coworkers and managers. We are whole people and the more you encourage your team to foster other parts of themselves, the more committed they will be to their jobs.
*Wait - are you asking me, a manager, to encourage my people to work less? Well, yes. And I’ve got plenty of ideas for how to develop the kind of work culture where people are excited to share their non-work-related passions at work. Email me if you have questions. More on this topic here, here, and here.